To all those who might ever doubt the power I have to make their fondest dreams a reality, their greatest hopes manifest, and their most outrageous thoughts become things... I ask, have you pondered eternity lately? Did you know there are 10 sextillion stars (not to mention planets)? Have you looked into a mirror and seen the glint in your eye, the tint of your skin, or the warmth of your smile?

- “I am such a lazy ungrateful person” and , that

- “it's impossible for me to be successful without an office job”

- and “ it’s time to put the resume back out on Monster.com and those other cattle-farm-job-hunting Websites…”

WHY does today’s message bother me to the point of getting teary?

It’s not “hormones”. It’s not family stuff. I know exactly what it is: my belief system has undergone a shift - and I do not like it. For the past few weeks I have felt less sure of things, less faithful and less confident everything will turn out beautifully this summer - and beyond.

Picture all this in very slow motion.  It's about a cannon:

the 'phhhtt' of a match being struck
the 'phwaah' as the match blooms to flame
the flame being passed through space to
meet the end of the fuse

the fuse ignites
and begins to burn down its length toward
the knob
then down into the thin black metal tunnel to the
blasting chamber
where the gunpowder obediently waits

flame meets powder:  combustion

the dusty first particulate strikes the dark side of the cannon ball 
with incredible force
and the ball - having only one directional option - begins down the cascable toward the muzzle, the round hole at the opposite end 


However, instead of taking split seconds to leave the cannon it takes the cannon ball a full four weeks and another business day.

Imagine that.  A fired cannon that takes four weeks to expel its cannon ball.

That is exactly what I experienced going to work, sitting at my desk at my now-former job.  I  was let go officially on Monday, March 10th.  My last day was Monday, April 7th a full month and a day after being fired. 
It was at the very least awkward, disorienting, confounding, supremely frustrating, angering and frightening.

And, despite having a paid month to seek, interview and network while trying to maintain my 'job' duties I did not find another office gig - nor do I want one. 

Office work is boring - I'm good at it - but it's still boring.  I know there are a lot of women who make excellent money with skills like mine... but honestly, I'd rather be doing a few different things and piecing a living together rather than sitting in an office every day for years.  I admire those people who love  the office job life but it is not who I am.

So, in these first two weeks of being officially available I have done the following things:

1.   manufactured two costumes for a local costume shop (from pattern cutting to final finish) 
                  [I have no idea what to charge her and she asked me yesterday, "Tell me what I owe you."  All suggestions welcome.]

2.   begun teaching art at a local arts studio in the after school art program two afternoons a week.
                 [Studio owner would like me to learn her business, transition as a leader in her program, and eventually take-over some of her classes so she can develop her art therapy practice... and I have no idea, again, what to ask for as a pay rate. ]

3.   posted resumes on Monster.com, Careerbuilder.com, Craigslist,org, and created a StumbleUpon page for my tutoring services here:  http://1-great-tutor.stumbleupon.com  From this, within 20 minutes of posting this page, I received an inquiry from an marketing guy in Greenport, NY asking if I could design a web site for one of his clients... and -

4.   Yesterday, I received a signed and notarized Web site design contract for my very first design customer.

5.   Next weekend I'm attending a day-long seminar about commercial photography to shoot graduations and marathon runners.  It will be a busy seasonal gig and I look forward to adding "commercial photographer" to my resume.

So, there you have it. 
It took four slow and painful weeks to eject this cannon ball out of that dark and cruddy hole of a job and into the light ... Thankfully, that cannon was on top of a very high hill so I'm hoping a lot of what's coming is all down hill from here.

And I"m scared.
But excited at possitility and change and growth and the potential of it all.

Oh yeah, baby, I lost my job.  If anyone out there finds it, let me know.  In the meantime it has been extended that I may continue to work here "as long as you need to" while I look for new (and better, more satisfying) work.

Getting snarky is fun.  Getting a better job is more fun.  Getting a full paycheck to look for a job on the up and up, while doing my job is brilliant.  And something was uttered last week about not wanting to turn me "out into the street empty-handed...."  Let's hope they practice The Happy ending.

As they tune the pitchfork for the sounding of the Recession Bell off in the distance, I lost my job.
As my boss - impossible to please, hard on the eye though easy on the wallet, and one of the biggest self-centered persons for whom I have been paid to keep [business] company as well as one of the most affluent drama kings in the tri-state area fired me last Monday afternoon.

On the con side:
1)   I'm a single income single parent.  If you wanted to rearrange the words and use only first letters I'm a PISS but that's not very pretty nor does it accurately allude to my general demeanor which is sassy upbeat smartass (most days).
2)   See number one.

On the pro side:
1)   Boss did me a very big favor in cutting me loose, AND in offering that I stay, get paid, and look for another path to nirvana.
2)   Spiritually, I'm in a MUCH better place than I was three years ago when the IT company let me go - without any warning.  That spring the "Easter Bunny" took my car (which is what I told Child) and I had to borrow couple "K" from my father to get it back....Thank goodness for him.
3)  I'm not seeing anyone so my embarassment and humiliation, when it creeps in and sits like a wet dog at my feet, isn't shared or whimpered about or whined about.  There's no "he'll think I'm a professional Loser Girl and dump my ass on principle."
4)  There are too many things I'd love to do in life and this is an excellent time to get my talent in order and use it. Period.

So, that's it.
I'm free, fired but still working, and when everything lands in place it will be a very good thing.