This morning I received a Note from The Universe. Here it is:
To all those who might ever doubt the power I have to make their fondest dreams a reality, their greatest hopes manifest, and their most outrageous thoughts become things... I ask, have you pondered eternity lately? Did you know there are 10 sextillion stars (not to mention planets)? Have you looked into a mirror and seen the glint in your eye, the tint of your skin, or the warmth of your smile?
The Universe
-----------------------------------
Pretty cool message.
So tell me WHY this morning, when I wake up trying hard
- not to acknowledge the growing feeling of being so scared
- and TELLING myself for too long “I’m not doing anything” and
- “I am such a lazy ungrateful person” and , that
- “it's impossible for me to be successful without an office job”
- and “ it’s time to put the resume back out on Monster.com and those other cattle-farm-job-hunting Websites…”
WHY does today’s message bother me to the point of getting teary?
It’s not “hormones”. It’s not family stuff. I know exactly what it is: my belief system has undergone a shift - and I do not like it. For the past few weeks I have felt less sure of things, less faithful and less confident everything will turn out beautifully this summer - and beyond.
Shortly after losing my job in April I became very positive. Despite the odds, my spirits were incredibly high and I felt as though I could do anything. ANYTHING. Losing my job has given me all this wonderful (albeit very broke!) experimental time. In the beginning, panicked, I immediately found part-time off the books work; neither job really ‘fit’ but but the experience was/is invaluable.
Six weeks later, I left the local magazine gig; I had been acting as an art facilitator three afternoons a week, too but the proprietor cannot pay me but still needs help. She would like me to market her business, etc, but she is not providing me materials on any timely basis and that is profoundly frustrating.
So, for the month of June, I have been pretty much flat. And after three exciting rounds of interviews, demo lesson, and conversations, I did not get either job at the local Christian private school. Maybe that's has something to do with my mood, too....
So, marketing the art studio/school has ground to pretty much a halt, and the magazine gig hasn't paid me a cent, and I am doing nothing with my time (which will eventually run out).
I hear what I tell myself and the negative words are many. Not, Should, Can't, How.
I really miss the mindset I had in May: it was surprisingly positive and very open to possibility and I honestly believed - to my very core - anything and everything good would be mine. Perhaps I need to find my faith before I re-start my job hunt. I would love guidance and stronger intuitive sense of how this is going to unfold. My patience is being tested as is my faith...
... as the neighbor's child picks out "Amazing Grace" on their upright piano next door.
- Location:Home, Sweet.
- Mood:
Unsure. - Music:Neighbor's workmen chipping; mother bird in window, scolding and feeding.
Profile
![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif)
collage_life- Collage_Life
Comments
SoloMother
Tried felting two weekends ago; love the results, little round felt balls in gorgeous colors. Then did nothing since. WHY?!
Yes, I'm in a short play about the history of our Village, a member of my church's vestry, and a single parent... but am I making any art?! No, not really. This bugs me. A lot. There is a small bedroom in our house dedicated to being a studio/art/writing/computer room for me and my daughter but it is such a state of neglect, disarray and near-vandalism I have no idea where or how to begin making it whole.
There's a book I'd like to start - but am so blocked up I haven't a clue how to begin, where or even how on some days.
Other than that, life is perking right along.
And you? :)